Dear Big Round Gassy Pregnant Me,
How are you feeling? Are you getting tired of hearing that? Get used to it. Yes it’s sweet that people care but do they really want you to tell the truth?
“How are you feeling?”
“Well, I can’t sleep, can’t eat anything but Lucky Charms, pee constantly, am single handedly keeping Monistat in business, and have a raging case of constipation induced hemmorids. But I have found that sneezing and farting at the same time is a real time saver, so there’s that.”
Believe it or not, you are in your prime. Love it. Bask in it because from here on out, life as you know it, is done. Right now people are tripping over themselves to open doors for you, to give you their seat or to carry your bag. Other than the aforementioned physical ailments, it’s all gumdrops and rose petals and a counting of the minutes until the precious little bundle arrives.
I am here as the Ghost of Baby Future to give you some insight, some perspective on what lies ahead for you, the good, the bad, and the dear-God-that’s-disgusting.
First things first: Sleep. Not that you need it, even though you’re probably exhausted. But because once that pudgy little alarm clock bursts forth from your loins, you will never sleep soundly again. Ever. Take a day and just stay in bed all day. Even when you WANT to get out of bed, don’t.
(Jessica’s note…Pretty sure I’ve written a time or two about sleep deprivation as a parent…)
After baby comes, sound sleep is but a beautiful distant memory. If you’re not waking in the middle of the night for a feeding or a squishy diaper, it’s because there is a monster under the bed. That is if you’re lucky enough to have a child that stays in his or her bed, otherwise you wake from a sound sleep to find someone with milk breath is watching you very closely. Don’t get me started on the phantom cries. You child will be in a separate house across town in a sound proof bunker and you will still think you hear him cry.
(Jessica’s note…I’m so glad that finally my toddler is sleeping in her own bed at night.)
Next, let’s talk bathroom and hygiene. As a parent you can totally say adios to going to the bathroom alone. It may seem like a strange concept right now, especially if you’re the “private” type. And if you are, well aww, isn’t that just darling. For now, while you can, enjoy going to the bathroom. Take your time! Take a book! Something along the lines of War And Peace will be sufficient. Maybe take your tablet and start up a Words With Friends game with every single person you know. Perhaps even close the door if you’re feeling saucy! Whatever you want, you’ve got plenty of time! While we’re on the subject of time, why not take a long, luxurious bubbly shower. The kind where you wash your hair and shave. Isn’t that nice? Now do this on a daily basis because did you know that statistic’s say that only 1 in 15 million moms get a daily shower?** So be one of the squeaky clean members of society while you can.
(**I completely made up this statistic but I’m sure I’m not far off.)
Lastly, wear lots of white. I don’t care if it’s after Labor Day, pretend you’re a snowman if it makes you feel better; whatever the case, rock that white. Babies and children, especially toddlers, are not known for their cleanliness and they like to hug. They are like tiny little unhygienic hugging mud balls coated in snot and they would like you to join them in all their stinky glory. While we’re on the subject, wear white but buy patterns. Patterns say, “yeah, I look like I am somewhat presentable but please don’t smell me”, and that’s a win for any parent.
In the end no one can fully explain to you the magnitude of what you are about to experience; how someone so tiny can create voluntary changes that are so big. Having a baby will be what-the-hell-am-I-doing scary and completely natural and fulfilling at the same time. Just remain calm, stay patient and keep a sense of humor, that will help. Oh, and wine. Lots and lots of wine. (If you’re not nursing, of course.)
Is there something I missed? What would you say to your pregnant self?